TMI in the name of a UTI

Let me start by saying I suffer from a CKD (chronic kidney disease) known as Medulary Sponge Kidney.  I will not die from this...just suffer through a series of infections and stones for ever.  I usually take medication when they strike and then they are killed off. That being said, I have a kidney infection and a urinary tract infection that I have been living with since March 12th.  I have gone to my GP for regular visits and numerous antibiotics but nothing has worked, in exasperation, he has given up and referred me to a new urologist.  I avoid the urologist like the plague, I still clearly remember my last experience.(shuddering in horror).  This kind of visit usually falls under the same catagory as the gynocologist, which is another intimate experience I try to avoid.  But, since this pesky set of microbes refuses to disappear, I dutifully set my impending doom...ahem...appointment. 
I prep for this appointment like I was going on a date with a new lover.  Freshly showered and shaved...check.  Matching bra and panties...check.  Lotioned and perfumed...check.  Recent pedicure...check.  I arrive for my appointment and fill out the necessary forms.  I tend to revert to smart ass mode whenever feeling particularly anxious, so on the line where they ask if I do drugs....I ask if the valium I took with a shot of tequilla before this appointment counts as recreational....ha ha ha.  I am so clever.  They call my name and I walk through the door.  The nurse points me to the scale and says...we just need to check your weight.  I respond with an "Oh Joy"...(clapping)..."Lucky me".  Nurse Ratchet rolls her eyes, records the number and then hands me a plastic cup.  I know the drill so I head to the bathroom.  She then moves me to a room to cool my heels.  Yay...they have People!  (Knock Knock) The doctor strides in and annouces that the infection is gone....We then go through the series of questions about my disease....yadda yadda yadda.  He is very thorough.  He then tells me that he wants to put me on an ongoing antibiotic to lessen the infections and whips out his pad....I ask him to "toss in some mood enhancers" while he is at it...he smiles as he hands me my antibiotic rx.  I like his style.  Wow...this was so easy, I think to myself. No fuss, no muss and the waste of a perfectly good shave in my opinion. Like Elaine from Seinfeld and her "Sponge worthy" this is how I rate all encounters below the waist.  But I digress... I am ready to blow this pop stand.  It is then that he stands, turns to a dull brown cupboard and hands me a paper sheet.....Nooooooo!! "From the waist down" he says as he leaves the room.  Crest fallen, I set down my purse and disrobe.  I barely have this napkin over my butt before he knocks and comes back in with a female nurse.  "Ok...lay back and slip your feet into the stirrups"....as I do...I admire my new pedicure and self tanner legs...not so bad I think...Note to self: Thank Lisa AHM for the tip on the L'Oreal tan towel.  Bam...back to reality....Hello Doctor!!!  I keep my eyes to the ceiling...as he asks me some perfunctory questions...and then I look to him. What was that?  Did he just make a face?  Is that good or bad?  and then he says "How was your Easter?"  Really????  I don't know.  Let me treat you like a bowling ball and ask you inane questions.  I squeek out a fine....and look to the nurse.  She has sympathetic eyes and she keeps them on my face the whole time.  What a crappy job...Who picks to be a urology nurse....I mean the woman before me was like 90....What must that look like?  Note to self:  Thank god I work for an optometrist (signing the cross).   Snap....gloves come off and we are done.  I sit up...smart ass remarks gone,  Now avoiding eye contact, I can't wait to leave. This is why I dislike the urologist and good news looming, I get to go back for something called a gonioscopy.  Blech!  Happy Monday :)

True Religion

With the Lenten season looming, I thought long and hard about what I would want to give up.  Now, mind you, I am not a baptised Catholic, but, because my children are, I thought that I too would follow in the tradition to be supportive.  What was the one thing that I could not live without?  Beer? TV? Facebook? My cell phone?  All good choices, but, alas, my true vice was shopping!  I mean, I am a woman, who prays for a sale, coupon, closer parking space etc. etc. etc and have likend shopping to sex.  This had to be the one thing I would give up in the name of Our Lord.  Shudder (envision chills running through my designer clad body.)  So, when Ash Wednesday arrived, I bravely announced to the world (on facebook) that I, Christine Wagner, was going to fore go all forms of retail therapy. I must confess, that I reasoned this sacrifice by limiting it to only purchasing new clothing, jewelry, purses, shoes etc. for myself.  OMG!!  Grocery shopping and household items didn't count.  But lets face it, buying toilet paper and toothpaste wasn't my heroin.  It wasn't until days later that I looked at the calendar and realized that I had just entered a self impossed purgatory for 5 weeks.  I just knew I was going to fail.  What was I thinking?  Can you say Dead Man Walking?  The first few days, were hell.  Sadly, the grocery store offered little of the things I coveted, but did find myself, in desperation,  perusing the clothing at Lucky and Walgreens. The withdrawls were merciless.  My heart sunk as I steered my car past Ross, avoided the Macy's and purposely stopped reading the Sunday ads, scared to death of a coupon that might send me into a blurry tizzy.  Sigh (wiping tear from the corner of my eye.)  But, as I dropped down into the belly of the beast and faced my demons head on, something strange began to happen.  I found my resolve, the will to say no (my spine.)  I was slowly able to re-enter the mall and my local retailers without feeling the faint head rush and the pitter patter of my heart.  Can you believe it, I actually felt guilty when looking at the shoes!  With all of the free time on my hands, I decided to clean out my closet and drawers.  I found myself finding and wearing things that I had forgotten I purchased previously, some with tags still on them (how sad.)  It was like a new wardrobe.  Believe it or not, I actually recieved compliments on my new found items.  I felt stronger and had a new sense of purpose.  So, this act of denying myself truly turned into a self awakening.  What I learned was that I do actually posses self control, I do overspend and I will always want, but do not need.  So, on the eve of Easter upon me....I am once again looking forward to the act of swiping my credit card at the nearest local high end retailer...hopefully a little stronger, wiser and with some restraint.

Things I can do without on facebook

I love facebook!  I am truly amazed that some kid thought this up and made it possible for old friends and family to connect, reconnect, share lives, photos and feelings. We now have the world at our fingertips.  But, there are a few things I could do without.

1.  The Poke War-  Ok, I get it.  You want someone to know you are thinking of them, so you give them a friendly virtual poke.  You don't really know what to say so a message would be silly and writing on their wall is so public.  But, a poke war?  What's the point?  Come on people...I poke you...you poke me...we are happy as can be (sung to Barney theme) over and done.

2.  Baby Talk Status-  This just makes you sound dumb!  We all know your child is adorable, ours were too.  Some things are cute....but, do we really need a bwow by bwow?

3.  Bible Thumping-  I love God.  You love God.  Enough said.  This does not include prayer, because that is always helpful.....(signing the cross so I don't go to hell)

4.  Spousal Abuse-  Ok.  Your husband is an ass!  He left you for another woman.  Get a grip, we get it and think he is a jerk too.  We really don't want to hear all about it.  We could careless, to be quite honest.  Besides, aren't your kids, mother, father and family on your friends list?  Wow....you have now taken the lower road.

5.  What you ate for lunch-  Unless it was extroadinary, 5 star or really funny.....STOP!  Nobody cares if you are in the McDonalds drive thru or ate a fricken banana.

6.  Duck Face-  I know....everyone does it....and to be quite honest, I think some are cute, if you are under 18...but after the umpteenth one, you no longer look cute, just retarded.

7.  Lucky %-  Really?  Go buy a lotto ticket.

8.  It's Complicated-  No shit!  It always is.  You are either single or married.  Period. 

9. Constant Whining/Anger-  Please throw in a good day every now and then.  It is depressing for the rest of us to know you are so unhappy. 

10. Obama Bashing-  He is President for two more years, deal with it!  The majority spoke....we are all poor, all working hard, all struggling, all worried about war..................so SHUT UP!

A Forrest Gump moment

Life is like a box of Kleenex.  Each day you get a fresh one and you either put a little boogie in it or you blow it.  Either way... you make it move  :)  Happy Saturday!!!

A sign that no shopping is getting to me!

I wanna be a billionaire so fricken bad.
Buy up all the things I never had.
I wanna be on the cover of Lucky Magazine.
Go shopping at Nordstrom like a queen.
Oh everytime I close my eyes.
Designer bags and shoes delight.
Yeah, a different mall every day...
Oh I Oh I swear, the economy better prepare 
For when I'm a billionaire.

What was I thinking when I gave up retailing for lent?  I think I am actually having withdrawls.....(insert drooling and jittery nerves here)  For me, shopping actually relaxes me.  Makes me feel better.  I mean, I might as well have given up sex, oh wait.............that's another blog!  LOL....

A note to my children

When I gave birth to you, it felt like my heart grew legs and came out of my body.....and there you were, walking around.  I can't think of anything I love more than you..  Sometimes, I look at you and I catch my breath!  All I can think is "Wow, I made that!"  But here are a few other things I think everyday.....................

“You'll get the hang of it, just keep trying”
“I am proud of you”
“Keep up the good work”
...“I love you no matter what”
“I believe in you”
“You can do it”
“I have your back”
“You're a winner”
“You are worthy and special to me”
“You are a valuable part of this family”

I love you Cole and Kennedy

XOXO Mom 

FINALLY!!!

Today on The Doctors.................Guilty pleasures.  This just in....shopping releases the same amount of dopamine and gives the same pleasure as SEX!!!!!  Nuff said :)http://www.thedoctorstv.com/main/show_page/D3120