TMI in the name of a UTI

Let me start by saying I suffer from a CKD (chronic kidney disease) known as Medulary Sponge Kidney.  I will not die from this...just suffer through a series of infections and stones for ever.  I usually take medication when they strike and then they are killed off. That being said, I have a kidney infection and a urinary tract infection that I have been living with since March 12th.  I have gone to my GP for regular visits and numerous antibiotics but nothing has worked, in exasperation, he has given up and referred me to a new urologist.  I avoid the urologist like the plague, I still clearly remember my last experience.(shuddering in horror).  This kind of visit usually falls under the same catagory as the gynocologist, which is another intimate experience I try to avoid.  But, since this pesky set of microbes refuses to disappear, I dutifully set my impending doom...ahem...appointment. 
I prep for this appointment like I was going on a date with a new lover.  Freshly showered and shaved...check.  Matching bra and panties...check.  Lotioned and perfumed...check.  Recent pedicure...check.  I arrive for my appointment and fill out the necessary forms.  I tend to revert to smart ass mode whenever feeling particularly anxious, so on the line where they ask if I do drugs....I ask if the valium I took with a shot of tequilla before this appointment counts as recreational....ha ha ha.  I am so clever.  They call my name and I walk through the door.  The nurse points me to the scale and says...we just need to check your weight.  I respond with an "Oh Joy"...(clapping)..."Lucky me".  Nurse Ratchet rolls her eyes, records the number and then hands me a plastic cup.  I know the drill so I head to the bathroom.  She then moves me to a room to cool my heels.  Yay...they have People!  (Knock Knock) The doctor strides in and annouces that the infection is gone....We then go through the series of questions about my disease....yadda yadda yadda.  He is very thorough.  He then tells me that he wants to put me on an ongoing antibiotic to lessen the infections and whips out his pad....I ask him to "toss in some mood enhancers" while he is at it...he smiles as he hands me my antibiotic rx.  I like his style.  Wow...this was so easy, I think to myself. No fuss, no muss and the waste of a perfectly good shave in my opinion. Like Elaine from Seinfeld and her "Sponge worthy" this is how I rate all encounters below the waist.  But I digress... I am ready to blow this pop stand.  It is then that he stands, turns to a dull brown cupboard and hands me a paper sheet.....Nooooooo!! "From the waist down" he says as he leaves the room.  Crest fallen, I set down my purse and disrobe.  I barely have this napkin over my butt before he knocks and comes back in with a female nurse.  "Ok...lay back and slip your feet into the stirrups"....as I do...I admire my new pedicure and self tanner legs...not so bad I think...Note to self: Thank Lisa AHM for the tip on the L'Oreal tan towel.  Bam...back to reality....Hello Doctor!!!  I keep my eyes to the ceiling...as he asks me some perfunctory questions...and then I look to him. What was that?  Did he just make a face?  Is that good or bad?  and then he says "How was your Easter?"  Really????  I don't know.  Let me treat you like a bowling ball and ask you inane questions.  I squeek out a fine....and look to the nurse.  She has sympathetic eyes and she keeps them on my face the whole time.  What a crappy job...Who picks to be a urology nurse....I mean the woman before me was like 90....What must that look like?  Note to self:  Thank god I work for an optometrist (signing the cross).   Snap....gloves come off and we are done.  I sit up...smart ass remarks gone,  Now avoiding eye contact, I can't wait to leave. This is why I dislike the urologist and good news looming, I get to go back for something called a gonioscopy.  Blech!  Happy Monday :)

True Religion

With the Lenten season looming, I thought long and hard about what I would want to give up.  Now, mind you, I am not a baptised Catholic, but, because my children are, I thought that I too would follow in the tradition to be supportive.  What was the one thing that I could not live without?  Beer? TV? Facebook? My cell phone?  All good choices, but, alas, my true vice was shopping!  I mean, I am a woman, who prays for a sale, coupon, closer parking space etc. etc. etc and have likend shopping to sex.  This had to be the one thing I would give up in the name of Our Lord.  Shudder (envision chills running through my designer clad body.)  So, when Ash Wednesday arrived, I bravely announced to the world (on facebook) that I, Christine Wagner, was going to fore go all forms of retail therapy. I must confess, that I reasoned this sacrifice by limiting it to only purchasing new clothing, jewelry, purses, shoes etc. for myself.  OMG!!  Grocery shopping and household items didn't count.  But lets face it, buying toilet paper and toothpaste wasn't my heroin.  It wasn't until days later that I looked at the calendar and realized that I had just entered a self impossed purgatory for 5 weeks.  I just knew I was going to fail.  What was I thinking?  Can you say Dead Man Walking?  The first few days, were hell.  Sadly, the grocery store offered little of the things I coveted, but did find myself, in desperation,  perusing the clothing at Lucky and Walgreens. The withdrawls were merciless.  My heart sunk as I steered my car past Ross, avoided the Macy's and purposely stopped reading the Sunday ads, scared to death of a coupon that might send me into a blurry tizzy.  Sigh (wiping tear from the corner of my eye.)  But, as I dropped down into the belly of the beast and faced my demons head on, something strange began to happen.  I found my resolve, the will to say no (my spine.)  I was slowly able to re-enter the mall and my local retailers without feeling the faint head rush and the pitter patter of my heart.  Can you believe it, I actually felt guilty when looking at the shoes!  With all of the free time on my hands, I decided to clean out my closet and drawers.  I found myself finding and wearing things that I had forgotten I purchased previously, some with tags still on them (how sad.)  It was like a new wardrobe.  Believe it or not, I actually recieved compliments on my new found items.  I felt stronger and had a new sense of purpose.  So, this act of denying myself truly turned into a self awakening.  What I learned was that I do actually posses self control, I do overspend and I will always want, but do not need.  So, on the eve of Easter upon me....I am once again looking forward to the act of swiping my credit card at the nearest local high end retailer...hopefully a little stronger, wiser and with some restraint.