The Secret Code

Ok....Here we go again....picking on my hub.  So, he walks into the kitchen, stares, across an adjoining room, at a table in the far corner and says, matter of factly "Someone moved my camera battery."  I say "Huh? What are you talking about?"  Craning his neck he says again, "Who moved my camera battery?"  I still have no idea where he is looking, but I play along, "Where was it plugged into?"  He looks confused, and says "Well, it was in the backroom and now, it is in the office."  I shake my head and say "No, that is my camera battery."  I turn back to my sink full of dishes, start washing and he interjects, "What kind of camera do you have?"  Perplexed, I give him a strange look, because he bought me my camera, "Um, Nikon, what kind do you have?"  I say laughing.  He says, "Nikon".  Well, there you go...seems logical to me, we both have the same battery and he is just confused.  I, continue doing what I am doing and he leaves the room.  Question answered right?  NOPE...I watch, as he then walks back through the room, over to the table and looks at his camera battery, plugged in, exactly where he left it.  Really?  "Did you just check to make sure?" I yell over the running water.  He then looks at me with a straight face and says "Yes, I thought when you said you had the same battery you might have meant that you were going to be using my camera from now on."  Oye vey..............This is obviously how we, as women, get into trouble.  You know, (wink wink), the hidden code, secret language, double meanings, that we were taught, as young girls, to confuse men.  LOL

Not Your Average Joe

For Christmas I received a Trader Joe's gift card.  Whoo hoo.  I love shopping at Trader Joes!  Last night I remembered to put it in my purse.  So, after work I swung by and did a little shopping.  As soon as I park my car in the lot and walk toward the doors I feel different.  The doors open and a transformation comes over me.....I am not sure what it is, but I suddenly feel very green.  Like I want to hug a tree.  The store lends itself to more introspective shopping.  I mean, you have to read everything, inspect each label.  I first peruse the veggie section,  picking up individual packages of strange green globes I have never seen before, designed to feed two.  I will pass.  Cheese!  Oh...how I love cheese, but alas, it does not love me.  I already know I like the tomato basil humus so I plop a container of that in my mini cart.  Off to fruit.  This is easy, I will have some, creatively packaged, peaches.  Bread is up next.  Oh the choices are endless.  But, I choose some gluten free sourdough sliced, fat free English muffins and a fresh baguette.  I navigate my mini cart through the frozen foods and feel one with the other patrons, humming sitar music.  I look down in the seafood section and I see langostino for $8.99.  As I reach down to pick up the package, I hear the words "Oh good choice."  I turn around to see a statuesque woman in her mid 70's with the longest gray hair, parted down the middle, that I have ever seen.  She is wearing a soft gray sweater and is adorned with many multi-colored beaded necklaces.  I meet her eyes and she smiles...I instantly feel a warmth coming from her and she says "My husband and I buy this all the time, and we love it, but you must get the low fat clam sauce with it!"  It is only then that I notice she has on no bra.  For a second, in my head I am mesmerized.....she has the biggest, longest boobs.  I start to stammer and I blush.  But heck...she is in Trader Joes.  Recovering and remembering my manners, I thank her for the suggestion and tool over to the sauces.  Headed to the check out, another patron and I discuss the $1.99 chocolate covered pecans.  At the checkout, the plucky cashier and I talk about the unseasonably warm weather, what we did this last weekend and plans for the upcoming week.  I leave with my purchases in my double bagged brown paper sack, and feel happy.  What a pleasant experience.  So, as I sit here eating my scrumptious gluten free pasta with langostino, white clam sauce, fresh baguette and mixed field greens salad, I think to myself, I should shop at TJ's more often.  That was fun, but next time I may lose the bra!

Stimulating the Economy

Fat girls love accessories!  Ok..all women love accessories, but,  fat women just like them more.  Now when I say fat...I mean society's idea of fat.  You can be anywhere from a former fatty, a little curvy to a BBW.  Accessories have many forms....There are the personal types like, shoes, boots,  purses, bracelets, rings, necklaces, earrings, sunglasses, key chains, wallets, scarves, hats, perfume, scented lotions, fancy soap, bath oils and even a new cell phone, cell phone case or charm.  These things are never going to change in size, they don't shrink in the wash, they can be used over and over, they are versatile and....they always fit!  There are the home types, like candles, candle holders, tchotchkies, art, vases, bath towels, kitchen towels, kitchen tools, picture frames, pillows, throws, lamps, garden art, table cloths, etc...We love to shop for all types of these and will spend days tracking down the perfect accessory.  There are always exceptions to any rule and you will find those amongst us who don't like to shop and could care less about accessories.  To these women, I say, YOU are not fat.  You are either a thin person in a fat girls body or just thin.  But no matter how you slice it...we are creating revenue....saving jobs, stimulating the economy, raising home prices and keeping stores in business.  So, to all you pleasing plump ladies....raise your credit cards and unite.  Happy shopping!!

To flush or not to flush?? That is the question....

There seems to be some great debate in my home.  A home with two adults, two teens and two bathrooms.  My theory is, when you poop and others are in the vicinity, Flush......then finish your business and flush again.  If you're home alone, do what you will.  My husband, on the other hand,  feels that he is in his own home, his domain, he is king of his castle and that he shall do as he pleases.  That the "courtesy flush" is only a courtesy when in the presence of strangers, at work, at a restaurant or other venue.  Hello??  Should I feel special that I and I alone am allowed to smell the funk?  Shouldn't the courtesy be extended to those you live with, the ones you love?  Personally, I could care less if a stranger thinks I am dying, I will never see them again and secretly I think it is hilarious when you are in a public bathroom and someone walks in and you hear them go "Uggggh"  Ha ha ha ha.  But, in all actuality I do courtesy flush all of the time,because it is only right.  I don't get it.  Who wants to sit in the funk?  I think my family has this phobia or fear, that if they flush...then they have to be done.  It's as if the swill justifies the outcome and if per chance it seeps under the door, wafting down the hallway making others gag, the more satisfying it must have been.  When I complain,my husband says "You are just wrong"  Huh?  I am wrong, (cough bullshit, gag)  I beg to differ...hang out as long as you want....toilet paper is cheap....bring a book....just don't let the smell fester.  FLUSH, FLUSH, FLUSH!!  This is not what I signed up for....where in the vows or the parenting hand book does it say, to have, hold, cherish and pretend all fowl smells are like a bunch of roses?  Don't think I am picking on my husband....the kids are the same.  They will be mortified that I blogged about this, but everybody poops.  It's not a secret.  Especially in my house.  I shit you not!

The Thrill of the Hunt

I get off work and know I have a million things to do.....laundry, child pick up, dinner prep and bill paying loom in my horizon...but instead of turning left to get onto the freeway, I veer right and turn into the shopping center.  There it is.....Ross!  My blood races a little as I surge my car forward through the masses and seek out a parking spot.  I actually feel restless and agitated at other patrons of the over crowded shopping center, who I feel are being too slow, as I hunt out a prime parking spot.  Finally, I ease my car into its' place and hop out, practically racing to the front door.  A calm washes over me as I pull open the store door....I can smell it.....discount retail.... shopping.  As usual, I head straight to the shoe department, I mean, I am searching for a pair of beige pumps.  This is my justification for actually being in the store to begin with.  Slowly, I peruse each isle, carefully checking out every shoe.  Because, as we all know, when shopping at a discount merchandiser, the stock is ever rotating and you never know, a pair of cute flats or clearance priced boots may pop into view. I must be ready to pounce, like a hunter,  on a deal when presented to me.  Sigh, there is nothing in shoes that grabs my attention, but since I am here....maybe I will take a quick peek in the home accessories section.  (Insert angels singing here)  There it is.....a tall silver candle holder with a delicate muted brown glass shade, etched with silver streaks....mimicking a zebra pattern.  Oh...it is so pretty.  I pick up the item with care and gently turn it over....WHAT??  It is only $6.99???  Ok, I must have this.  Quickly I scan, in my head, rooms where this can go.  Shaking my head, I figure there are at least 4 rooms this will adorn and shine in, that and the price alone are reason enough to purchase such a beauty.  With a small smile of satisfaction, I walk to the register and triumphantly make my purchase.  A glow of satisfaction settles in my tummy.  I am so happy, and I can always try  the Macy's clearance racks tomorrow for the beige pumps :)  It's a sickness, I know!! 

The Perfect Day

Today my son had his girl friend over for the first time.   He wanted this to be special.  So, their plan was to bake a cake from scratch.  My son is an excellent cook and I trust him in the kitchen explicitly.  But, being the semi helicopter parent that I am...my first instinct is to hover.  I want to help!  He has never baked a cake before.  But, also being the semi cool parent that I want to be...I back off.  So after cleaning the kitchen, taking out most of the ingredients and utensils they will need, reminding them to pre-heat the oven and to check the recipe....I (head down) back off.  Man, this is so tough.  From my room I hear giggling, bowls clinking and the beater whirring.  Still, I stay firmly put.  Only, once I hear the oven door close (yes I have Mom hearing), do I enter the kitchen.  "So, how did it go?"  They both rat each other out on small mistakes like not being able to separate an egg and mixing issues...but assure me that even though the batter looked funny, they had successfully poured it into two cake rounds and were now debating over timer issues.  So, I set a timer and walk away........Half hour later DING....neither one of them move...they are too engrossed in each other...I open the oven door to find....two 8" pancakes....hmmm....They come into the kitchen and we inspect the flat golden rounds.  I assure them that rising is 3/4 the battle in actually baking a cake and that there is really no way to screw up butter, eggs, flour, vanilla and sugar.  It will probably taste great....just look funny.  Oh how wrong I was....we just cut up the cake and it is crunchy.  Crunchy?  Part of me wants to think that if I had hung around and helped out it would have been good.....but, for them it was probably perfect, exactly as it should be.  A sweetheart memory made in crunchy form!

It's not easy being green

I don't compost.  I always ask for plastic bags at the grocery store.  I sometimes forget to turn off the water while I am brushing my teeth (but I do feel guilty for a second).  I do not wash my car on the lawn.  I have never e-waste recycled anything and I buy my kids bottled water.  There!  I said it!  My secret is out....pheww.  I feel better.  It's not as if I don't try.  I mean, I bought the kids reusable water bottles, because lets face it, some of them are really cute.  I recycle my aluminum cans and plastic, my hub loves the pocket money.  I don't toss old paint in the trash can and we do not put the doggie doo in the green waste.  To top off all of this good that I am doing, I even bought a phosphate free dishwasher detergent.  I clearly remember the logic behind this purchase that I made a month ago. I mean who could pass up such a deal...surely not me.  There it was, sitting proudly amongst all of those evil, bad detergents.  A plain, non-coated, friendly white box with blue print, pretty tree picture, claiming to save the earth and leave my dishes sparkling clean!  What a deal, 125 phosphate free tablets for only $6.00.  Ecocover,  even the name sounded like I would be doing some good.  Cha ching....purchase made and some small amount of green satisfaction for me.
Fast forward to last night.  So, once again, I empty my dishwasher and once again my dishes are dull, dingy and still dirty.  This never happened when I used the fully loaded chemical tabs.  I complained out loud and my husband says from the other room,"You know, you are supposed to rinse and wash the dishes before you put them in the dishwasher...that's what I do."  (Cough, bull sh**) I mutter under my breath.  Ok....does this sound stupid to anyone else?  Why the heck must I wash the dishes before I re-wash them in the dishwasher?  Really?  So....now in the interest of being green, I am washing my dishes by hand and trying to figure out how to dispose of 110 phosphate free tablets.......maybe I will compost them!

It's all fun and games until somebody gets the flu!!!

Today is a big day!  I have started my new blog, I am scheduled to work till 6pm, I am throwing a baby shower for a friend tonight and my daughter has an extended cheer practice.  All that changed in one instant.   I had a delusional moment this morning as we were all getting ready for school and I hear her say "Mom, I don't feel so good", you know, the one where if you ignore the statement then it really won't happen.  No such luck.  So as I am getting ready for work, packing lunches and hustling the kids to get out the door I look at my daughter,who is now pea green and sigh,...."go change...put on your jammies, you are staying home"    Grounded...the day and all that was scheduled has instantly come to a screeching halt.  I rush my son to high school and zip back home, only to find my daughter leaning over the toilet retching.  I walk in and ask if she is ok and I hear those dreaded two words..."I missed."  (Gulp) I can feel the eww factor rising in my own throat, I struggle to keep it down and shuffle my little up chucker to her room.  I think to myself, ok, she has only thrown up once, I can just get her settled and still make it to work.  I have to laugh at my optimism, because no sooner had the calls been made, she was back at it again.  Firmly, I resign myself to the fact that I am staying home...I mean, that is what a good mother does.  Then why do I want to run? Run screaming away from the smell, the mess, the germs? Why am I so eager to pretend as if nothing is wrong?  If you are a mom, then you know why.  Because, as Mom's we know that this is just the beginning.  No amount of Lysol, hot loads of laundry or hand washing is going to keep this nasty flu from running rampant through the entire family and I will be playing nurse maid to them all until I finally crumble and fall.  They will all be well and I will be left to fend for myself.  So, as I sit here, cleaning my bathroom, knowing full well what is to come......a glimmer of hope rises to my brain.  I am only one stomach flu away from a size 12!!  Here is to looking on the bright side ;)