Just Me...the serious blog.

Someone asked me to write a blog about everyday life and a blog about sex...something sultry.  So I am attempting both in one, it is really all I have time for...LoL......Well, everyday life is hard, different, scary and tumultuous. It is not whimsical...easy or smug.  I wonder who will read this?  Who really cares about my insignificant being? I am just a Mom and a woman.  A person who is floundering and trying to find herself.  Confident , yet...unsure.  I have highs and lows.   I find myself feeling for the first time, in a long time.  Before, I was fine, coping, protected and numb.  Now,  I am open, honest, emotional and vulnerable.

So, this blog, this writing, this moment feels like a diary of sorts....(grab a tissue) , because this is both "everyday and sultry." 

Everyday, I wake up with a hope that I will somehow feel capable, hopeful, unsure and able.  Capable of accomplishing the tasks that need to be done.  Making sure the kids are fed, clothed and off to school. Able, to forge ahead with the tasks at hand and the ones to be done.  Hopeful that I won't forget something important and that I will be strong enough to finish what I need to do.  Unsure in my ability............I have always been defined by a man, so I am pretty unsure of how to do it without one.  But, I know I can....like everything else in life, there seems to be a learning curve...

Along this journey I have learned a few small tidbits.....1)  Mowing the lawn wet is a bad idea. (in 90 degree heat and 4 hours later...I was quite "hot"  how's that for sultry?  2) I do not care where the water pressure, or heat of said water comes from or how it gets there   3)  Putting dog poop in a can full of wet grass (see #1) is always a bad idea.  4) BBQ'n is harder than it looks (we are mourning the loss of a good chicken)  and low and slow is better than a high flame...note: this goes for sex as well   5)  Electronics suck...and if you can't just plug it in and turn it on...I don't want it...as in water pressure I don't care how many mega bytes...giga bytes or minutes I have....or how I get it...just want to make a call. 6) Did someone say sex? 

That being said, all I want in life is to be in love, raise strong, conscientious, loving humans and to live long enough to enjoy them and to see them thrive......... and to have clear pipes...(and sex) LOL

Have a great day!!

Losing weight....and then gaining.....

So much has changed since my last blog.... Life has a way of twisting and changing and becoming interesting and crazy all at once.

To begin with, I joined weight watchers in February.  It is always a joy to count every morsel you put between your lips, but, a necessary evil.  So after much hard work and ever waving discipline, I have managed to drop 30 pounds.  Yay!  Well, you would think, but I am a fat girl through and through.  Even though I have dropped, I still feel fat.  I also found that I no longer am funny when dieting.  Go figure.

Secondly, after 14 1/2 years of marriage, my husband and I have separated....still not feeling very funny.

Thirdly, since my social status is in flux, my shopping addiction has come to a screeching halt......Ok..this is sorta funny.

But, what I have remembered through all of this strange and weird time, is that I used to be strong, smart, independent and capable...and while I may have lost somethings (weight, social standing and $$$)...I have gained.

TMI in the name of a UTI

Let me start by saying I suffer from a CKD (chronic kidney disease) known as Medulary Sponge Kidney.  I will not die from this...just suffer through a series of infections and stones for ever.  I usually take medication when they strike and then they are killed off. That being said, I have a kidney infection and a urinary tract infection that I have been living with since March 12th.  I have gone to my GP for regular visits and numerous antibiotics but nothing has worked, in exasperation, he has given up and referred me to a new urologist.  I avoid the urologist like the plague, I still clearly remember my last experience.(shuddering in horror).  This kind of visit usually falls under the same catagory as the gynocologist, which is another intimate experience I try to avoid.  But, since this pesky set of microbes refuses to disappear, I dutifully set my impending doom...ahem...appointment. 
I prep for this appointment like I was going on a date with a new lover.  Freshly showered and shaved...check.  Matching bra and panties...check.  Lotioned and perfumed...check.  Recent pedicure...check.  I arrive for my appointment and fill out the necessary forms.  I tend to revert to smart ass mode whenever feeling particularly anxious, so on the line where they ask if I do drugs....I ask if the valium I took with a shot of tequilla before this appointment counts as recreational....ha ha ha.  I am so clever.  They call my name and I walk through the door.  The nurse points me to the scale and says...we just need to check your weight.  I respond with an "Oh Joy"...(clapping)..."Lucky me".  Nurse Ratchet rolls her eyes, records the number and then hands me a plastic cup.  I know the drill so I head to the bathroom.  She then moves me to a room to cool my heels.  Yay...they have People!  (Knock Knock) The doctor strides in and annouces that the infection is gone....We then go through the series of questions about my disease....yadda yadda yadda.  He is very thorough.  He then tells me that he wants to put me on an ongoing antibiotic to lessen the infections and whips out his pad....I ask him to "toss in some mood enhancers" while he is at it...he smiles as he hands me my antibiotic rx.  I like his style.  Wow...this was so easy, I think to myself. No fuss, no muss and the waste of a perfectly good shave in my opinion. Like Elaine from Seinfeld and her "Sponge worthy" this is how I rate all encounters below the waist.  But I digress... I am ready to blow this pop stand.  It is then that he stands, turns to a dull brown cupboard and hands me a paper sheet.....Nooooooo!! "From the waist down" he says as he leaves the room.  Crest fallen, I set down my purse and disrobe.  I barely have this napkin over my butt before he knocks and comes back in with a female nurse.  "Ok...lay back and slip your feet into the stirrups"....as I do...I admire my new pedicure and self tanner legs...not so bad I think...Note to self: Thank Lisa AHM for the tip on the L'Oreal tan towel.  Bam...back to reality....Hello Doctor!!!  I keep my eyes to the ceiling...as he asks me some perfunctory questions...and then I look to him. What was that?  Did he just make a face?  Is that good or bad?  and then he says "How was your Easter?"  Really????  I don't know.  Let me treat you like a bowling ball and ask you inane questions.  I squeek out a fine....and look to the nurse.  She has sympathetic eyes and she keeps them on my face the whole time.  What a crappy job...Who picks to be a urology nurse....I mean the woman before me was like 90....What must that look like?  Note to self:  Thank god I work for an optometrist (signing the cross).   Snap....gloves come off and we are done.  I sit up...smart ass remarks gone,  Now avoiding eye contact, I can't wait to leave. This is why I dislike the urologist and good news looming, I get to go back for something called a gonioscopy.  Blech!  Happy Monday :)

True Religion

With the Lenten season looming, I thought long and hard about what I would want to give up.  Now, mind you, I am not a baptised Catholic, but, because my children are, I thought that I too would follow in the tradition to be supportive.  What was the one thing that I could not live without?  Beer? TV? Facebook? My cell phone?  All good choices, but, alas, my true vice was shopping!  I mean, I am a woman, who prays for a sale, coupon, closer parking space etc. etc. etc and have likend shopping to sex.  This had to be the one thing I would give up in the name of Our Lord.  Shudder (envision chills running through my designer clad body.)  So, when Ash Wednesday arrived, I bravely announced to the world (on facebook) that I, Christine Wagner, was going to fore go all forms of retail therapy. I must confess, that I reasoned this sacrifice by limiting it to only purchasing new clothing, jewelry, purses, shoes etc. for myself.  OMG!!  Grocery shopping and household items didn't count.  But lets face it, buying toilet paper and toothpaste wasn't my heroin.  It wasn't until days later that I looked at the calendar and realized that I had just entered a self impossed purgatory for 5 weeks.  I just knew I was going to fail.  What was I thinking?  Can you say Dead Man Walking?  The first few days, were hell.  Sadly, the grocery store offered little of the things I coveted, but did find myself, in desperation,  perusing the clothing at Lucky and Walgreens. The withdrawls were merciless.  My heart sunk as I steered my car past Ross, avoided the Macy's and purposely stopped reading the Sunday ads, scared to death of a coupon that might send me into a blurry tizzy.  Sigh (wiping tear from the corner of my eye.)  But, as I dropped down into the belly of the beast and faced my demons head on, something strange began to happen.  I found my resolve, the will to say no (my spine.)  I was slowly able to re-enter the mall and my local retailers without feeling the faint head rush and the pitter patter of my heart.  Can you believe it, I actually felt guilty when looking at the shoes!  With all of the free time on my hands, I decided to clean out my closet and drawers.  I found myself finding and wearing things that I had forgotten I purchased previously, some with tags still on them (how sad.)  It was like a new wardrobe.  Believe it or not, I actually recieved compliments on my new found items.  I felt stronger and had a new sense of purpose.  So, this act of denying myself truly turned into a self awakening.  What I learned was that I do actually posses self control, I do overspend and I will always want, but do not need.  So, on the eve of Easter upon me....I am once again looking forward to the act of swiping my credit card at the nearest local high end retailer...hopefully a little stronger, wiser and with some restraint.

Things I can do without on facebook

I love facebook!  I am truly amazed that some kid thought this up and made it possible for old friends and family to connect, reconnect, share lives, photos and feelings. We now have the world at our fingertips.  But, there are a few things I could do without.

1.  The Poke War-  Ok, I get it.  You want someone to know you are thinking of them, so you give them a friendly virtual poke.  You don't really know what to say so a message would be silly and writing on their wall is so public.  But, a poke war?  What's the point?  Come on people...I poke you...you poke me...we are happy as can be (sung to Barney theme) over and done.

2.  Baby Talk Status-  This just makes you sound dumb!  We all know your child is adorable, ours were too.  Some things are cute....but, do we really need a bwow by bwow?

3.  Bible Thumping-  I love God.  You love God.  Enough said.  This does not include prayer, because that is always helpful.....(signing the cross so I don't go to hell)

4.  Spousal Abuse-  Ok.  Your husband is an ass!  He left you for another woman.  Get a grip, we get it and think he is a jerk too.  We really don't want to hear all about it.  We could careless, to be quite honest.  Besides, aren't your kids, mother, father and family on your friends list?  Wow....you have now taken the lower road.

5.  What you ate for lunch-  Unless it was extroadinary, 5 star or really funny.....STOP!  Nobody cares if you are in the McDonalds drive thru or ate a fricken banana.

6.  Duck Face-  I know....everyone does it....and to be quite honest, I think some are cute, if you are under 18...but after the umpteenth one, you no longer look cute, just retarded.

7.  Lucky %-  Really?  Go buy a lotto ticket.

8.  It's Complicated-  No shit!  It always is.  You are either single or married.  Period. 

9. Constant Whining/Anger-  Please throw in a good day every now and then.  It is depressing for the rest of us to know you are so unhappy. 

10. Obama Bashing-  He is President for two more years, deal with it!  The majority spoke....we are all poor, all working hard, all struggling, all worried about war..................so SHUT UP!

A Forrest Gump moment

Life is like a box of Kleenex.  Each day you get a fresh one and you either put a little boogie in it or you blow it.  Either way... you make it move  :)  Happy Saturday!!!

A sign that no shopping is getting to me!

I wanna be a billionaire so fricken bad.
Buy up all the things I never had.
I wanna be on the cover of Lucky Magazine.
Go shopping at Nordstrom like a queen.
Oh everytime I close my eyes.
Designer bags and shoes delight.
Yeah, a different mall every day...
Oh I Oh I swear, the economy better prepare 
For when I'm a billionaire.

What was I thinking when I gave up retailing for lent?  I think I am actually having withdrawls.....(insert drooling and jittery nerves here)  For me, shopping actually relaxes me.  Makes me feel better.  I mean, I might as well have given up sex, oh wait.............that's another blog!  LOL....

A note to my children

When I gave birth to you, it felt like my heart grew legs and came out of my body.....and there you were, walking around.  I can't think of anything I love more than you..  Sometimes, I look at you and I catch my breath!  All I can think is "Wow, I made that!"  But here are a few other things I think everyday.....................

“You'll get the hang of it, just keep trying”
“I am proud of you”
“Keep up the good work”
...“I love you no matter what”
“I believe in you”
“You can do it”
“I have your back”
“You're a winner”
“You are worthy and special to me”
“You are a valuable part of this family”

I love you Cole and Kennedy

XOXO Mom 

FINALLY!!!

Today on The Doctors.................Guilty pleasures.  This just in....shopping releases the same amount of dopamine and gives the same pleasure as SEX!!!!!  Nuff said :)http://www.thedoctorstv.com/main/show_page/D3120

Things I know for Sure

I am sure that I will die someday.  I am sure that no matter how old I get, I will still expect my parents to pay for dinner.  I am sure that the hamper will never be empty.  I am sure that That Thing you Do, Remember the Titans, The Blind Side and Steel Magnolias will always cheer me up.  I am sure that I will always be behind technology.  I am sure that I will always sing at the top of my lungs when a good song comes on.  I am sure that no matter how old my kids get, I will still worry.  I am sure that I will always enjoy ice cold beer.  I am sure that in my old age I will need tweezers, badly.  I am sure that my bed will always be my favorite place.  I am sure that Kelly and Pam will always be in my life.  I am sure I will giggle when it is inappropriate.  I am sure I love my family.  I am sure I will always hate trying on bathing suits under fluorescent lighting.  I am sure I will never join a cult or pose for playboy.  I am sure I believe.  I am sure that my sister is one of the best mothers in the world.  I am sure I will never give up coffee, candy and shopping.  I am sure that I love being a mother and an Auntie.  I am sure I will be me to the very end.  I am sure you will have a great day!!

An Ode to Bread

I just started a new diet and bread is the enemy.  It's on the list, but is so high in points that it doesn't really fit into a daily menu.  (sad face)  The thought of cutting "good" bread out of my diet makes me queasy at the knees.  As a true Bay Area girl knows, when I say good bread, I am talking about good old fashioned San Francisco sour dough.  The crunchy, airy, sour goodness of a freshly made loaf.  Nothing beats the taste of a warm slice of sourdough with melted butter or a deli sandwich on a sourdough roll.  If you don't believe me, just look around the next time you are at a restaurant and the bread comes to the table.  Everybody loves bread!!  Sigh, I will miss you Boudin, Artisan, Santa Cruz Baking Co. and Colombo.  I feel like a crack addict when I think of bread.  I love the smell, the taste, the crunch of the crust and the softness of the center.  I hope I can make it!  Bread is love and welcoming.  They way it makes the house smell when baking or breaking bread with friends.  Ahhhhh....<3  While I don't think I would sell my body for a nice Puglise, I would gladly give up all other carbs.  Adios rice, risotto, bagels, tortillas, cakes and cookies.   My new diet encourages "other" breads.  You know, rice cakes, pita pockets and those Orowheat thin things.  Low carb, fat free, seedy brown bread, Yuck!  I know, I know, they are good and I do like those.  But they are not real bread!  So, alas, I will have to eat you in moderation sour dough.  Sneak you in back alleys, hide in the closet and late at night, when no one is looking, like a drug addict.  I wonder if I can get a pic line straight to a vein?  Bread.....Oh Bread....how I love thee! 

Happy Valentines Day

Tomorrow is Valentines Day, the most romantic day of them all.  People complain about the commercialism of Christmas and then fall hook, line and sinker for the cupid stuff.  All of the TV shows are about love.  The commercials are all about jewelery.  Every store is decked out with candies and flowers. It is a virtual sea of red and pink.  Today I went to the store to pick up my kids a heart box of candy and the place was packed.  Oh, it was so sad.  The aisles were lined with hundreds of men, all mesmerized by the Valentine cards.  You could smell the desperation and see the panic stricken faces as they painstakingly read each card for the perfect phrase.  Some of them holding multiple boxes of sweets and flowers...and picking through the stuffed animals.  Shaking my head, I just felt so sorry for them.  Because, as women, we know, that it isn't the actual card or present, it is the effort that was put into the gesture.  We get pissed when forgotten, but are always happy to be acknowledged, especially on such a pressure cooker holiday.  I walked up to the register with my heart boxes in hand and sighed and thought to myself, I am happy about one thing.  Did you know that the heart actually is shaped like a fist?  So, thank goodness the holiday industry changed the symbol to the heart shaped figure that we all know and love, because, lets face it, "I Fist You" brings up all kinds of visuals that are just plain disturbing.   So on this note, I wish you all a wonderful Monday filled with x's and o's.   Muahhh!!!  (P.S. I love, love, love the new watch my hubby bought me for V-day:)   Thanks Honey!

Butt Naked

I have been a little stressed lately and was trying to think of some way to relax when I remembered, recently, on the Dr. Oz Show, there was a woman who cleans her house naked.  Wow!  She said this with a giggle and also stated that this was a huge stress reliever for her.  Really?  I mean, she looked really relaxed, but I just can't imagine.  OK, so here I am....alone....tons of chores to do.  I am going to give this method a whirl.  Whoo hoo, I can do this.  Ok, I am going to clean.  I am ready!!!!!!!!!!!!  Brrrr and I feel like a complete fool!!!  Getting dressed again.  Why can't I just take off my clothes and do my chores?  Because, for one, it is February and it is cold!  Two, what if someone comes to the door?  Three, I just can't stop laughing.  But, this whole thing has got me thinking....Hmmm. What will I actually do fully unclothed?  The answer......Not a whole lot!  So far I have showering on my list.  I mean, come on!  I won't even try on bathing suits under fluorescent lighting.  Curious though, I google what people will do naked.  Can you believe it?  There are lots of things that people do in the buff, besides sex and your average nude beach.   People have brunch naked.  Personally, I would have a hard time (no pun intended) eating eggs and bacon next to someone who looks like my Uncle Joe and is naked.  There are naked yoga classes, I know, eww, but I understand there is a "bring your own mat rule", thank god!   There are naked parties on all college campuses and why not, they are young and drunk.  And, believe it or not....naked stand up comedy, I am already laughing!   So, if all of these people can be in actual public butt naked, then I should be able to do a few dishes and a couple of loads of laundry, right?  NOT, but I am less stressed now.  Happy Tuesday :)

Nutted up by 8:00 AM

Warm and cozy....laying in bed....I know what is to come and I just want to enjoy some peace a little longer, before I turn into the raving morning lunatic that I become every day.....Here is a snip of my every morning :)

6:00am:  Alarm goes off...I reach over and hit the snooze button, I know that my clock is 15 minutes fast and it is really 5:45...I have some time.
6:15am:  I lay here thinking, running all of the things I have to do today through my head....Why is the cat sitting on my head?
6:21am:  Coffee!!  I wander into the kitchen and start the coffee.  Mmm the smell of Hawaiian hazelnut brings me to life.
6:25am:  Cup in hand, I wake the kids...."Good Morning" I say bright and cheery..."time to wake up!"  Grunts from both rooms.
6:33am:  No sounds....roust the kids again...."Time to get up"  now at least I get some acknowledgement.
6:40am:  Off to the kitchen to make breakfast....
6:43am:  Deliver bowls of cereal to each kid....both of whom are still laying in bed.  "Get up!"
7:00am:  second cup of coffee...make lunches
7:10am:  Kids are up...I yell "NOW, it is 7:10 you better be getting ready."
7:15am:  I assume they are getting ready (big mistake)
7:23am:  "It's 7:30"  I lie...hoping to hurry them up.
7:30am:  "Ok, now it is really 7:30!!" I yell out like some crazy alarm clock...because I now see that even though they are up, they are not dressed.....
7:35am:  "7:35!" 
7:37am:  "7:37!"  I am now at irritation mode
7:38am:  "Ok...I am getting in the car"  I threaten
7:40am:  I am sitting in the idling car, alone...tapping fingers on steering wheel..waiting....
7:43am:  still waiting, rev engine
7:45am:  Kennedy wanders out...."Mom, I think it is a half day, I don't need the lunch"   groan...."It's cold in here" (she says this every morning...I could set my watch by this statement.
7:47am:  Cole comes out....I ask.."Do you have your lunch?"  "No"....he goes back into the house, I am not even sure why I asked because I already know the answer.
7:50am:  We are finally off..!(does it really take 3 minutes to go back in the house and get an already packed lunch?  Yes...driving down the street, Kennedy rifles through my purse.."What are you looking for?" I ask...."Gum, I didn't have time to brush my teeth"  What?????  Cole then holds out his hand for gum as well......Really?
7:52am:  drop off Cole....I tell him to hurry because he has exactly 8 minutes to get across campus.....worms move faster.
7:53am:  (Cue moaning, complaining and heavy sighs here)as Kennedy complains...."I am late" "late again" "I will have to go through the office"  this goes on for the entire drive, every morning....as if she had nothing to do with the mornings events.
7:59am:  Pull up to school and someone is blocking the keep clear area to pull into the parking lot....Now cue my bitching...LOL
8:02am:  Sigh....they are off and this has been the longest two hours of my day.  No wonder I am crazy!

Noon Time Fantasy

I had to leave work early today, because I needed to go home to meet the cable guy.  Actually, we are in an emergency status.  We are having guests this weekend to watch the Super Bowl and one of our t.v.'s  isn't cooperating.  So, here I sit....waiting...When I called the cable company they gave me an appointment between 1pm and 3pm.  I guess cooling my heels for two hours is better than some appointment windows I have been given.  The last time I had a repair man over, I had an 8 hour window.  Geeeshh, like I have nothing better to do.  Some of these places make you wait so long that you are almost,  and I am using that word lightly, grateful when they finally do arrive.  But enough griping, what I am really hoping for, besides my corrected t.v. issue, is that my cable repair guy is HOT!  I know, I am a married woman.  But, not a dead woman!  Is it too much to ask for?  I think some of these companies should only hire hot guys to do their service work.  It only seems fair.  I wait for hours on end....they produce a Chippendale in a work belt to ease my trouble...  I always wish for the hot guy, but instead, get the grumpy, frumpy, lumpy repair guy.  You know, the one who looks like the latest serial killer on top of the F.B.I's most wanted list.   Most of the time I am thinking (picture thought bubble here)  "I really want my refrigerator repaired, but I am not sure I want to give up my life for ice cubes"  So as I type this .... I am hoping for tall, lean, muscular....LOL  Basically Mark Wahlberg in a tool belt...shirt is optional  :)

The Secret Code

Ok....Here we go again....picking on my hub.  So, he walks into the kitchen, stares, across an adjoining room, at a table in the far corner and says, matter of factly "Someone moved my camera battery."  I say "Huh? What are you talking about?"  Craning his neck he says again, "Who moved my camera battery?"  I still have no idea where he is looking, but I play along, "Where was it plugged into?"  He looks confused, and says "Well, it was in the backroom and now, it is in the office."  I shake my head and say "No, that is my camera battery."  I turn back to my sink full of dishes, start washing and he interjects, "What kind of camera do you have?"  Perplexed, I give him a strange look, because he bought me my camera, "Um, Nikon, what kind do you have?"  I say laughing.  He says, "Nikon".  Well, there you go...seems logical to me, we both have the same battery and he is just confused.  I, continue doing what I am doing and he leaves the room.  Question answered right?  NOPE...I watch, as he then walks back through the room, over to the table and looks at his camera battery, plugged in, exactly where he left it.  Really?  "Did you just check to make sure?" I yell over the running water.  He then looks at me with a straight face and says "Yes, I thought when you said you had the same battery you might have meant that you were going to be using my camera from now on."  Oye vey..............This is obviously how we, as women, get into trouble.  You know, (wink wink), the hidden code, secret language, double meanings, that we were taught, as young girls, to confuse men.  LOL

Not Your Average Joe

For Christmas I received a Trader Joe's gift card.  Whoo hoo.  I love shopping at Trader Joes!  Last night I remembered to put it in my purse.  So, after work I swung by and did a little shopping.  As soon as I park my car in the lot and walk toward the doors I feel different.  The doors open and a transformation comes over me.....I am not sure what it is, but I suddenly feel very green.  Like I want to hug a tree.  The store lends itself to more introspective shopping.  I mean, you have to read everything, inspect each label.  I first peruse the veggie section,  picking up individual packages of strange green globes I have never seen before, designed to feed two.  I will pass.  Cheese!  Oh...how I love cheese, but alas, it does not love me.  I already know I like the tomato basil humus so I plop a container of that in my mini cart.  Off to fruit.  This is easy, I will have some, creatively packaged, peaches.  Bread is up next.  Oh the choices are endless.  But, I choose some gluten free sourdough sliced, fat free English muffins and a fresh baguette.  I navigate my mini cart through the frozen foods and feel one with the other patrons, humming sitar music.  I look down in the seafood section and I see langostino for $8.99.  As I reach down to pick up the package, I hear the words "Oh good choice."  I turn around to see a statuesque woman in her mid 70's with the longest gray hair, parted down the middle, that I have ever seen.  She is wearing a soft gray sweater and is adorned with many multi-colored beaded necklaces.  I meet her eyes and she smiles...I instantly feel a warmth coming from her and she says "My husband and I buy this all the time, and we love it, but you must get the low fat clam sauce with it!"  It is only then that I notice she has on no bra.  For a second, in my head I am mesmerized.....she has the biggest, longest boobs.  I start to stammer and I blush.  But heck...she is in Trader Joes.  Recovering and remembering my manners, I thank her for the suggestion and tool over to the sauces.  Headed to the check out, another patron and I discuss the $1.99 chocolate covered pecans.  At the checkout, the plucky cashier and I talk about the unseasonably warm weather, what we did this last weekend and plans for the upcoming week.  I leave with my purchases in my double bagged brown paper sack, and feel happy.  What a pleasant experience.  So, as I sit here eating my scrumptious gluten free pasta with langostino, white clam sauce, fresh baguette and mixed field greens salad, I think to myself, I should shop at TJ's more often.  That was fun, but next time I may lose the bra!

Stimulating the Economy

Fat girls love accessories!  Ok..all women love accessories, but,  fat women just like them more.  Now when I say fat...I mean society's idea of fat.  You can be anywhere from a former fatty, a little curvy to a BBW.  Accessories have many forms....There are the personal types like, shoes, boots,  purses, bracelets, rings, necklaces, earrings, sunglasses, key chains, wallets, scarves, hats, perfume, scented lotions, fancy soap, bath oils and even a new cell phone, cell phone case or charm.  These things are never going to change in size, they don't shrink in the wash, they can be used over and over, they are versatile and....they always fit!  There are the home types, like candles, candle holders, tchotchkies, art, vases, bath towels, kitchen towels, kitchen tools, picture frames, pillows, throws, lamps, garden art, table cloths, etc...We love to shop for all types of these and will spend days tracking down the perfect accessory.  There are always exceptions to any rule and you will find those amongst us who don't like to shop and could care less about accessories.  To these women, I say, YOU are not fat.  You are either a thin person in a fat girls body or just thin.  But no matter how you slice it...we are creating revenue....saving jobs, stimulating the economy, raising home prices and keeping stores in business.  So, to all you pleasing plump ladies....raise your credit cards and unite.  Happy shopping!!

To flush or not to flush?? That is the question....

There seems to be some great debate in my home.  A home with two adults, two teens and two bathrooms.  My theory is, when you poop and others are in the vicinity, Flush......then finish your business and flush again.  If you're home alone, do what you will.  My husband, on the other hand,  feels that he is in his own home, his domain, he is king of his castle and that he shall do as he pleases.  That the "courtesy flush" is only a courtesy when in the presence of strangers, at work, at a restaurant or other venue.  Hello??  Should I feel special that I and I alone am allowed to smell the funk?  Shouldn't the courtesy be extended to those you live with, the ones you love?  Personally, I could care less if a stranger thinks I am dying, I will never see them again and secretly I think it is hilarious when you are in a public bathroom and someone walks in and you hear them go "Uggggh"  Ha ha ha ha.  But, in all actuality I do courtesy flush all of the time,because it is only right.  I don't get it.  Who wants to sit in the funk?  I think my family has this phobia or fear, that if they flush...then they have to be done.  It's as if the swill justifies the outcome and if per chance it seeps under the door, wafting down the hallway making others gag, the more satisfying it must have been.  When I complain,my husband says "You are just wrong"  Huh?  I am wrong, (cough bullshit, gag)  I beg to differ...hang out as long as you want....toilet paper is cheap....bring a book....just don't let the smell fester.  FLUSH, FLUSH, FLUSH!!  This is not what I signed up for....where in the vows or the parenting hand book does it say, to have, hold, cherish and pretend all fowl smells are like a bunch of roses?  Don't think I am picking on my husband....the kids are the same.  They will be mortified that I blogged about this, but everybody poops.  It's not a secret.  Especially in my house.  I shit you not!

The Thrill of the Hunt

I get off work and know I have a million things to do.....laundry, child pick up, dinner prep and bill paying loom in my horizon...but instead of turning left to get onto the freeway, I veer right and turn into the shopping center.  There it is.....Ross!  My blood races a little as I surge my car forward through the masses and seek out a parking spot.  I actually feel restless and agitated at other patrons of the over crowded shopping center, who I feel are being too slow, as I hunt out a prime parking spot.  Finally, I ease my car into its' place and hop out, practically racing to the front door.  A calm washes over me as I pull open the store door....I can smell it.....discount retail.... shopping.  As usual, I head straight to the shoe department, I mean, I am searching for a pair of beige pumps.  This is my justification for actually being in the store to begin with.  Slowly, I peruse each isle, carefully checking out every shoe.  Because, as we all know, when shopping at a discount merchandiser, the stock is ever rotating and you never know, a pair of cute flats or clearance priced boots may pop into view. I must be ready to pounce, like a hunter,  on a deal when presented to me.  Sigh, there is nothing in shoes that grabs my attention, but since I am here....maybe I will take a quick peek in the home accessories section.  (Insert angels singing here)  There it is.....a tall silver candle holder with a delicate muted brown glass shade, etched with silver streaks....mimicking a zebra pattern.  Oh...it is so pretty.  I pick up the item with care and gently turn it over....WHAT??  It is only $6.99???  Ok, I must have this.  Quickly I scan, in my head, rooms where this can go.  Shaking my head, I figure there are at least 4 rooms this will adorn and shine in, that and the price alone are reason enough to purchase such a beauty.  With a small smile of satisfaction, I walk to the register and triumphantly make my purchase.  A glow of satisfaction settles in my tummy.  I am so happy, and I can always try  the Macy's clearance racks tomorrow for the beige pumps :)  It's a sickness, I know!! 

The Perfect Day

Today my son had his girl friend over for the first time.   He wanted this to be special.  So, their plan was to bake a cake from scratch.  My son is an excellent cook and I trust him in the kitchen explicitly.  But, being the semi helicopter parent that I am...my first instinct is to hover.  I want to help!  He has never baked a cake before.  But, also being the semi cool parent that I want to be...I back off.  So after cleaning the kitchen, taking out most of the ingredients and utensils they will need, reminding them to pre-heat the oven and to check the recipe....I (head down) back off.  Man, this is so tough.  From my room I hear giggling, bowls clinking and the beater whirring.  Still, I stay firmly put.  Only, once I hear the oven door close (yes I have Mom hearing), do I enter the kitchen.  "So, how did it go?"  They both rat each other out on small mistakes like not being able to separate an egg and mixing issues...but assure me that even though the batter looked funny, they had successfully poured it into two cake rounds and were now debating over timer issues.  So, I set a timer and walk away........Half hour later DING....neither one of them move...they are too engrossed in each other...I open the oven door to find....two 8" pancakes....hmmm....They come into the kitchen and we inspect the flat golden rounds.  I assure them that rising is 3/4 the battle in actually baking a cake and that there is really no way to screw up butter, eggs, flour, vanilla and sugar.  It will probably taste great....just look funny.  Oh how wrong I was....we just cut up the cake and it is crunchy.  Crunchy?  Part of me wants to think that if I had hung around and helped out it would have been good.....but, for them it was probably perfect, exactly as it should be.  A sweetheart memory made in crunchy form!

It's not easy being green

I don't compost.  I always ask for plastic bags at the grocery store.  I sometimes forget to turn off the water while I am brushing my teeth (but I do feel guilty for a second).  I do not wash my car on the lawn.  I have never e-waste recycled anything and I buy my kids bottled water.  There!  I said it!  My secret is out....pheww.  I feel better.  It's not as if I don't try.  I mean, I bought the kids reusable water bottles, because lets face it, some of them are really cute.  I recycle my aluminum cans and plastic, my hub loves the pocket money.  I don't toss old paint in the trash can and we do not put the doggie doo in the green waste.  To top off all of this good that I am doing, I even bought a phosphate free dishwasher detergent.  I clearly remember the logic behind this purchase that I made a month ago. I mean who could pass up such a deal...surely not me.  There it was, sitting proudly amongst all of those evil, bad detergents.  A plain, non-coated, friendly white box with blue print, pretty tree picture, claiming to save the earth and leave my dishes sparkling clean!  What a deal, 125 phosphate free tablets for only $6.00.  Ecocover,  even the name sounded like I would be doing some good.  Cha ching....purchase made and some small amount of green satisfaction for me.
Fast forward to last night.  So, once again, I empty my dishwasher and once again my dishes are dull, dingy and still dirty.  This never happened when I used the fully loaded chemical tabs.  I complained out loud and my husband says from the other room,"You know, you are supposed to rinse and wash the dishes before you put them in the dishwasher...that's what I do."  (Cough, bull sh**) I mutter under my breath.  Ok....does this sound stupid to anyone else?  Why the heck must I wash the dishes before I re-wash them in the dishwasher?  Really?  So....now in the interest of being green, I am washing my dishes by hand and trying to figure out how to dispose of 110 phosphate free tablets.......maybe I will compost them!

It's all fun and games until somebody gets the flu!!!

Today is a big day!  I have started my new blog, I am scheduled to work till 6pm, I am throwing a baby shower for a friend tonight and my daughter has an extended cheer practice.  All that changed in one instant.   I had a delusional moment this morning as we were all getting ready for school and I hear her say "Mom, I don't feel so good", you know, the one where if you ignore the statement then it really won't happen.  No such luck.  So as I am getting ready for work, packing lunches and hustling the kids to get out the door I look at my daughter,who is now pea green and sigh,...."go change...put on your jammies, you are staying home"    Grounded...the day and all that was scheduled has instantly come to a screeching halt.  I rush my son to high school and zip back home, only to find my daughter leaning over the toilet retching.  I walk in and ask if she is ok and I hear those dreaded two words..."I missed."  (Gulp) I can feel the eww factor rising in my own throat, I struggle to keep it down and shuffle my little up chucker to her room.  I think to myself, ok, she has only thrown up once, I can just get her settled and still make it to work.  I have to laugh at my optimism, because no sooner had the calls been made, she was back at it again.  Firmly, I resign myself to the fact that I am staying home...I mean, that is what a good mother does.  Then why do I want to run? Run screaming away from the smell, the mess, the germs? Why am I so eager to pretend as if nothing is wrong?  If you are a mom, then you know why.  Because, as Mom's we know that this is just the beginning.  No amount of Lysol, hot loads of laundry or hand washing is going to keep this nasty flu from running rampant through the entire family and I will be playing nurse maid to them all until I finally crumble and fall.  They will all be well and I will be left to fend for myself.  So, as I sit here, cleaning my bathroom, knowing full well what is to come......a glimmer of hope rises to my brain.  I am only one stomach flu away from a size 12!!  Here is to looking on the bright side ;)